Forgiveness Without Apology: Why I Finally Let Go.

With 25 days left until the new year, I asked myself “Other than Jayce, what all have you accomplished this year?” I was bummed when I discovered the birth of my son was the only thing to show for. Don’t get me wrong, being a mother is great (now that I’m getting the hang of it and taking my power back from PPA/PPD), but being a mom is not all I want to be tied to/known for. Like most people, I had a list of goals I set for myself for the year and not one was reached. Not. One. Single. Goal. Was. Accomplished.

I spent the first half of the year sad and the second half of the year angry. Both huge emotional distractions from me handling my shit. I was so sad and angry at my child’s father for leaving me to be a single mother, I directed ALL of my energy in questioning myself, wondering what went wrong, why I wasn’t enough, how he could leave me to be single and pregnant, why the man I loved no longer wanted me or my child. And once I got over that wave of sadness, I became angry, shifting my energy to hating him, hoping he’d die, wishing the worst would come to him, that he’d pay for what he did. Between being a pathetic crybaby and a blood boiling psychopath, I literally accomplished NOTHING. No progress was made in my professional or personal life.

I was witnessing first hand my friends, who were in very similar situations as me, moving on, healing, forgiving, prospering, dating, being the best version of themselves, for themselves and for their kids. And I became envious. Not necessarily of them, it’s hard to explain. I was inspired, but still envious. It’s like I was super happy to see my friends let go and reclaim their life, I loved seeing them out of their funk, I loved hearing their stories, but I couldn’t help to be jealous, because I wanted that. I wanted to be healed, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be unbothered, I wanted to be graceful — but I couldn’t. After speaking with my therapist, I realized the reason I couldn’t accomplish the things I SO DESPERATELY wanted, was because I hadn’t let go and forgave completely. My mind was clouded, I hadn’t released my anger, and I was waiting for an apology, a sincere one at that, from a man that would never give me one.

I had forgave him for everything he had done to me as my once partner/boyfriend, but I hadn’t forgiven him for what he did to me as my child’s father. Because not only was he doing it to me, he was doing it to my son. I couldn’t get over this, I couldn’t let this slide, I needed him to know every chance he got how much I hated him, how I no longer respected him, I needed him to hear me call him every name in the book. I needed him to know that despite the lies he tells people and himself, he is not only a shitty person, but a shitty father. The other day I realized that the narcissist in him enjoyed this. Him knowing he could get a reaction out of me was the fuel he needed to keep going. To keep antagonizing me, to keep my attention. So I had to forgive and release. I had one big explosive episode last week, letting out everything. Every truth, every emotion, EVERYTHING. Raw and uncut before I felt I was truly ready to forgive.

I forgive you for everything. Not for you, but for me and Jayce.. I know it's cliche, but it's true. It’s time for me to let go of this hurt and resentment. It’s time for me to heal. So I forgive you. I forgive you for leaving me while I was pregnant, I forgive you for telling me you hope I die in labor, I forgive you for leaving me with a newborn baby to go party with your friends while I called and called and called, crying and begging you to come help me. I forgive you for using my PPA against me, I forgive you for the nights I spent crying with my son in my arms, I forgive you for prioritizing women, clubs and alcohol over spending time with my son, and lastly, I forgive you for getting my hopes up every time you promised to do better and help more, only to disappoint me once again.

I could put up with him making me feel like I didn’t matter, but the day I accepted that he would make my son feel that way too, was the day I had to let go. That was the day I knew he’d never change. That he’d never be the selfless, loving father he proclaims to be. So I had to forgive.

I forgave him, but most importantly I forgave me. I had to forgive myself too. For playing victim to a situation longer than I should have, for being weak, for allowing someone to continue to let me down time after time, for giving too much of my energy into a situation that I knew no longer served me, and lastly for robbing Jayce of having the best version of me.