The Truth No One Will Tell You About PostPartum:
As I wrap up my maternity leave and enter month three of motherhood, I can now look back at my overall birth experience (including pregnancy), and see exactly when the darkness of postpartum took over.
Today, my sweet handsome boy is 3 months. He’s a light to my world, full of personality and has this vibrant aura that could brighten the room. As amazing as this little one is, the weeks following his arrival almost cost me everything.
I went into labor on August 8, 3 weeks early from my original due date. I didn’t have the best pregnancy, but I was determined to make sure my birth experience was nothing like it. I had a pretty amazing delivery team, both my nurses and doctor did everything to make me feel comfortable and safe. After 22 hours of labor, and 40 minutes of pushing, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Jayce Sincere was born on August 9, 2020 at 4:13AM, 19” and 5lbs 15 oz — the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I was wildly exhausted, as pushing a baby out is no walk in the park, but I was happy it was over and I was finally able to meet the missing piece of me and begin my journey as a family of two.
I spent four days in the hospital - 1 full day of labor and 3 days postpartum. By the time we were discharged, I was over it. We were scheduled to be discharged Monday afternoon, but Jayce swallowed amniotic fluid as I pushed him out so we were kept an additional day to monitor him. I remember being filled with so much joy as I watched the nurse cut off his ankle monitor, I was finally able to bring him home. As I sat in the backseat staring at this beautiful creation, there was a sudden shift in my energy. My phone constantly rang with “congratulations” messages, people telling me how happy they were for me, how happy I must be and as excited as I was to have this new bundle of joy, it hit me that I was going home…. to my house.. with just me. No nurses, no inhouse help. I was scared shitless. Super Anxious. Very nervous.
We often hear people speak about Postpartum Depression, but rarely do we speak on Postpartum Anxiety. Initially I thought I was dealing with common “baby blues” upon my discharge from the hospital, as the days passed, it turned into weeks. When the blues didn’t go away I realized I might be suffering PPD — given my history with mental health, this was something I expected to have. I tried my best to prepare for it, but no amount of preparation in the world can prepare you for postpartum emotions. What I was feeling was far from common baby blues, it was something different. I was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday, by Friday I felt like I might actually be in a nightmare.
I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t shower. I couldn’t bond with him. couldn’t take care of this precious boy who didn’t ask to be here. I couldn’t do anything but cry. I was a wreck. I kept thinking to myself I made a huge mistake. I wanted my life back pre-baby. It pains me now to even know at one point these were my thoughts, but the first few weeks were tough and I wanted him to disappear more than anything. I spent the first 25 days alone crying, begging for help. On the 26th day, my prayers were answered, my mom had arrived from Bahrain. Straight off an 18 hour flight, she walked in the front door, I made her wash her hands and threw her grandson at her. Now that I think of it, it was a pretty insensitive thing to do, she was jetlagged and exhausted but I desperately needed a break.
I thought with my mom in town things would get better, but they didn’t. I still wished for my old life back. My mother helped tremendously, her being on an 8-hour time difference was a life saver. She cooked, she cleaned, and when Jayce would wake up in the middle of the night for his feedings, she would already be up because her body was use to it. We were on alternating schedules and I was allowed to finally catch up on sleep. I tried to be fair and give my mom breaks throughout the nights/days and play my job as a mom, but deep-down I was over it. I was actually more over it now than before she came. I had developed this “I don’t want to hold my baby” syndrome. Sometimes hearing him cry or even looking at him would make me sad. I didn’t share these thoughts with anyone, but I’m sure you could see it all over my face, as I’ve never been one to hide my expressions. I didn’t want him. I prayed during my pregnancy that if I wasn’t meant to be a mother, God would intervene and end the pregnancy. I spent weeks mad at him. How could you not intervene and make me believe motherhood was for me yet make me feel this way about my kid? I crossed my fingers for days/nights my mom or Jayce’s father would give me free time to enjoy myself and friends. It was like I wanted to go and not be around him, but I didn’t want anyone else around him. It was this moment that I knew I was not okay and I may in fact be looney. I mean, how was it that I was sick at the thought of him, but every chance I got to be away from him… I couldn’t?
I contacted my doctor and informed her of what was going on, she told me what I was feeling was normal. I was screened for PPD/A and was placed on antidepressants to help stabilize my mood swings and emotions. Between that and me going back to therapy, they had seemed to be working. I felt more comfortable leaving Jayce alone, I was starting to come around and want him, I was feeling happy. Again, that feeling didn’t last long.
My mom stayed in town for 5 weeks — the minute she left, I was in shambles. Here I was again, just me and the baby. I started coming around and using my resources, letting my friends watch him to help me catch up on sleep, I even began to let his dad take him overnight. It was refreshing to not have him in the house with me, when it was time to get him back, I didn’t want him. I’d call and think of every excuse in the world for why he should spend just one extra day with his dad. I would see other people interact with my child, I saw he was a happy baby, precious as can be and I loved him, but for some reason I couldn’t come to want him still. I wanted everyone else to have him, to care for him, I wanted to be the babysitter. Enjoy him and return him.
By this time, I had stopped taking my antidepressants. I would take them on an empty stomach (specifically instructed NOT to) and they’d make me nauseas. So one day I just stopped. I remember sitting with Jayce in my arms, crying apologizing to him. Apologizing for the way I felt, apologizing for half-ass’ing him. Something went off in my head, almost like my wake up call and right there was when I told myself this had to stop. I had a job to do, a child to take of—an innocent child who didn’t ask to be here at that. I refused to soak in misery another day. I didn’t like who I had become, I knew it wasn’t me. I spent 6 out of 9 months pregnant crying, I looked forward to the love and joy my son was to bring me, and I spent the first 8 weeks of his life robbing us both.
I resumed my antidepressants, I started working out again, I did my best to make sure I had a balanced diet with lots of water, I spoke to my friends, I began to read and write again, I used my resources, called my therapist. Took a week off of the internet to regroup. My mental state was slowly turning around. It became easier to eat, it became easier to sleep. My son, who only a few weeks back I couldn’t bare to look at made my heart skip. I had created a life, he was mine and boy was he beautiful.
This post was very hard for me to make, I contemplated publishing as I feared judgement of others, especially those who aren’t mothers. PPA is more common than you think, although its not talked about as often. If you are a new/soon to be mommy, or even know someone, please know what you’re experiencing is normal. Try not to beat yourself up about it.
Here are a few things that have (and still are) helping me:
Go outside — get some fresh air even if its just a walk to the mailbox.
Take it day by day - one step at a time, it doesn’t get better over night
Use your resources — friends, family, colleagues, etc
Talk to your doctor — seek professional help if you think something is off
JOURNAL
Find support groups/mom friends