When Co-Parenting Fails: 3 Reasons Why I No Longer Choose To Co-Parent.
I’ve been solely raising my son by myself for two years now. And for the sake of what I believe is my son’s father’s ego, I have referred to myself as a solo mom during this time, rather than a single mom. You see, last March, my son’s father uprooted his entire life from Atlanta to Phoenix, AZ, and if you think leaving me here to figure out (first-time) parenting alone was bad, he gave me an 18-day notice with no contingency plan. It was up to me to figure it out. The reality of it is, I AM a single mom. I carry 100% of the mental, emotional, and physical load in parenting, while also contributing financially, unlike my son’s father who only does a financial contribution. I once seen his hot take on social media that he was an active father, passing down judgement to those who couldn’t find the balance in parenting, social life, work, travel and the gym— as he tweeted that 6 states away. For whatever reason, society (or men)? have made us believe that as long as the father contributes to the financial upbringing of his child(ren), then he automatically gets an A for effort and is an outstanding father. I am here to debunk that. While money is a great tool and resource to have in general, but especially when kid(s) are involved, it is not the only thing needed to successfully raise one. In fact, if we are being 100% honest, it is the easiest part of parenting, especially when you are financially stable and loaded with money.
My son’s Preschool promotion ceremony took place last month. For whatever reason, I found out about the ceremony 5 days before it was scheduled. The second I was made aware of this, I relayed the information to my son’s father, extending the invite. Now typically, giving a 5-day notice that involves flying is not convenient/ideal for the average person, but that is not the case here. My son’s father had prior travel plans out the country (when does he not), and made it clear that he would not be in attendance, despite him having the resources, time, money and flexibility to alter the trip dates. It was that moment there, it really clicked for me that I am and have been in this parenting shit on my own. In lieu of him missing the event, he did send his mother and grandmother. And while some may applaud for the effort, it is a slap in the face and merely not enough. As the primary parent, I could never choose to not show up for son, despite how last minute something is. I am forced to miss events, reschedule and figure it out.
CO-PAR·ENT (VERB)
“1. share the duties of raising (a child) (used especially of parents who are separated or not in a relationship).
2. an enterprise undertaken by parents who together take on the socialization, care, and upbringing of children for whom they share equal responsibilities.”
It is physically, mentally, and emotionally impossible to share the true duties of parenting while living on two opposite sides of the country. While I hold down the fort doing the real work, being the mean parent, and playing bad cop, dad gets to (inconsistently) pop-in once a month for 24-72 hours and do the fun shit, disrupt the day-to-day routine I’ve worked so hard to build and then go back to living a kid-free life. What a lovely dynamic we have, right?
Contrary to how this may come off, I would like to preface this by saying that in no way, shape, or form, am I hear to bash the other party. Just simply share the three reasons why it hasn’t worked in my favor:
NOTHING is Equal — Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is equal. As the primary caretaker of my child, with limited in-state help, I sacrifice more, I burn out quicker, I get overstimulated faster. My entire foundation and life is built around a tiny human catering to his every need. Between Parent-Teacher events, play dates, doctor visits, ER sittings, sports and extra curriculum activities, and anything else that pops up on my radar, I am running around the entire Metropolitan Atlanta Area day in and out like a chicken without his head. On top of being a full-time working mama. Meanwhile my coparent lives a (kid-free) life of leisure.
There’s always a selfish parent - Spoiler alert, IT CAN’T BE MOM! The amount of times my counterpart has selfishly put himself (and women) before my son since our split is uncanny. From not showing up to broken promises— I’d never see or hear the end of it, if I choose to put myself and others first.
Updating the absent parent is exhausting - I’ve always overextended myself with updating the other party at the slightest details. He has a fever? Update. Went to the pool? Update. Made a basket at basketball? Update it. Nose bleed? Update. The truth is, anyone could ask my son’s dad how Jayce is doing, and he’d have the answers. ALL of them, and its not because he is present to get them his self, but because I continuously over extend information and updates because of MY desire for my son to have two active parents. I’ve since stopped. It is neither my job nor my three year old’s to reach out first and provide life updates.
I have tried so hard to facilitate the relationship that I now worry I am trying too hard; does the fear of my son growing up with no father mean I accept anything? My son is not always prioritized, there is not consistent communication or visitation, and for the last two years, I’ve bit the bullet and dealt with what I was given so my child could experience his father. I’ve had my fair share of “bitter” and over emotional moments as a woman and mother, but have never let it interfere with the developing relationship my son has with his father. So as I sit here, two years later, a little more mature emotionally and a LOT more healed, I question if I am taking the right decision, to step back from co-parenting.
I am not sharing my experiences to level criticism, I want people to realize that sometimes those ‘ten-tips to great co-parenting’ articles are more than we can chew. Those judgments that moms are denying father’s their natural born rights, are – nine times out of ten – wrong. Like many women, I have encouraged my ex to have a relationship with his son, giving him chances and a say-so in decisions that do not impact him at all, despite how inconvenient and frustrating it is to me. But the reality is, that’s not my job.
It isn’t easy to coparent with someone who doesn’t know the true meaning of it, especially when there are roadblocks for the other parent to fulfil his duty; a duty which to me is the core of my life. While I no longer intend to be the one facilitating communication between the two, I will certainly allow it to take place and do not plan to deny access. By keeping the path open, I hope that one day his dad will understand the sacrifices, time, and effort that goes into parenting, resulting in a better dynamic for all parties involved. Until then, I will no longer allow my counterpart the opportunity to destroy the atmosphere in my home, or to use his random visits as a method of manipulating.