Day 23 of 365 - Last of the 20s.
My 29th birthday was 23 days ago. The last of my 20s! I feel like most people (women at least), dread this birthday, but me? This was something I was looking forward too. For as long as I could remember, I romanticized turning 30, and over the years as I grew closer in age, so did the status of my life and career. I felt as if I was tracking perfectly as I’d envisioned (minus the fact that I’m someone’s crusty baby mama, but hey everything else on papers looks great). I have the kid, the career, the suburban Buckhead lifestyle, the perfect sisterhood, a close-nit family. For the most part, things are going great for me.
Unfortunately for me, 29 was absolutely nothing like I’d envisioned it. In fact, I spent the first 2 weeks hysterically crying because everything that could’ve went wrong, DID. And while I tried to show gratitude for another year, I simply couldn’t. As a single mom, my life revolves around my kid — but my birthday is suppose to be about me. So imagine the frustration and disappointment I had spending my birthday in mommy mode. My son’s best friend has the same birthday as me, his parents planned a trip to Florida months ago, in which I agreed my son and I would be present. This decision was made under the pretense that I’d celebrate my birthday in Panama the following weekend with my boyfriend at the time. Unfortunately, my son’s first baseball game of the season fell on one of the days I’d have been on that trip, resulting in the entire trip getting cancelled. To make matters worse, I made one final attempt to celebrate my birthday locally with my girlfriends. I found a cute boutique restaurant with a live Jazz band, and was determined to turn my birthday around feeling grown and sexy with my girls. But to my surprise, the morning of, my son caught a stomach bug and once again, my plans were cancelled. Third times a charm, huh? More like third times a BUST!
So here I was, barely seven days into 29, overemotional because not once have I gotten the opportunity to celebrate me, and to add insult to injury, the dog ended up with FLEAS! Talk about something I was not expecting to be on my bingo card for year 29 — quite frankly I didn’t expect any of this. Not the fleas, not the flop of a birthday, and certainly not the brutal epiphany that I desperately needed to end my 2-year relationship. Yet here I was, facing my shit reality. All in all, I’d say I had about 5 mental breakdowns, and after days of convincing myself all the bullshit I endured was foreshadowing of what my last year in my 20s would be like, I had to shift my way of thinking and find the positives. As a pessimist, trust me it wasn’t easy, but I had had enough of letting inconveniences shift my entire mood, and feeling sorry for myself.
For months, I had this crushing thought in the back of my head that I needed to be single - to sum it up, we were in different spaces, on two separate paths in our lives, showing signs of incompatibility, and I was giving far more than I was getting. And while these thoughts consumed my mind far before my birthday, my birthday just so happened to be the final straw. I had to bite the bullet and come to terms that a part of my birthday saga being so disastrous was because of my (ex) boyfriend’s failure to meet my expectations. Was it entirely his fault? No, but it was enough for me to call it quits after what felt like months of unsatisfaction. Let me preface this by saying that I am not here to shit talk my ex or to solely blame him for the break-up (or failed birthday). The simple truth was I just needed to be alone. Yes, I was unsatisfied with the relationship, but not as much as I was unsatisfied with my overall quality of life.
I spent a vast majority of the year reflecting (and sadly comparing) my life. Figuring out the how, what, when, where and why’s as I slowly creep into 30. How is the state of my overall life and well-being? What needed to change? When did I plan to implement said change(s)? Where did I want to end up? And lastly, why was I making so many excuses instead of taking control of my life to get the true outcome I wanted? To make a long story short, I came to the conclusion that I needed to do some soul-searching. I was lost. Confused. Conflicted. And lastly, I was faking to some extent.
I spent all of my adult life as a girlfriend. I met my son’s father a year after graduating college and spent 4 years of my early 20s with him, and 2 years of my late 20s with my ex. I had never truly been alone as an adult. And even the small time in between both relationships, I was a mother, recovering from the dark pits of postpartum depression. My primary focus was keeping me and the baby alive. Nothing more, nothing less. I spent the last four years or so in therapy (on-and-off), I addressed triggers and healed traumas, I unlearned bad habits and unhealthy ways, I cried, I laughed, I loved. Yet, I had still never truly been alone. Yeah, I’ve lived alone, sit at the bar alone, and even isolate myself in dark times, but I’ve never truly been alone, in my own thoughts. In my own solitude. Was I scared to be alone, in my head, or had the opportunity just not presented itself? Could it have been both? Who knows, but what perfect way to find out than to spend the last year of my 20s alone.
So how do I (a lover girl to the core) plan on doing that? I’m creating a list of things that I want to accomplish before my 30th. They’re all attainable, nothing outrageous – but things that I need to do in order to guarantee that year 30 is a great one.
Learn how to truly love myself
I think most of us can admit that we are our own worst critic. As a perfectionist Virgoat, I find that I criticize myself often, sometimes without realizing it. I used to be pretty confident, but over time I have worn myself down and critique every.little.thing. about myself. From work, blogging, motherhood, romance, and don’t get me started on my physical appearance. Though every one loves the weight gain (I don’t hate it, but I’ve been stick figure skinny my entire life, so waking up one day with grown-woman weight has its moments of disbelief).Overall it’s had a negative effect on my mental health, my self-worth, and my self-confidence — causing me to seek extra validation from my partners (afterwhile this becomes burdening). This year I want to stop pointing out my flaws and the things that make me feel insecure and instead focus on the things that I love about myself.
2. BE MY OWN FRIEND/DATE MYSELF
I recently finished reading “Single on Purpose” by John Kim — I highly recommend every one read this book, single or not, its a game-changer. Despite its title, its more about learning to love yourself and finding that spark within. One of the things that stuck with me from the book was learning to be your own friend. We treat others how we want to be treated, yet somehow completely mistreat ourselves in the process. Why is is I can show up and celebrate my friends’ wins but not my own? I had to reflect on the way if I treat my friends the same way I treat myself, if I treat myself the same way I treat my partner. If I treat myself the same way I treat my son. I pour more into others, than myself. I show up for others more than I show up for myself. I give grace to others more than I give to myself. While I still plan to pour into my son, friends and family, I plan to make myself the leading priority. Kindness, grace, flowers, the whole nine-yards.
3. Create a solid SELF care routine
As a full-time working single mom, my alone time is limited. When you think of self-care days, we think of the obvious maintenance — hair, nails, wax, spa days. Relaxing right? Not so much for me. I’m fortunate enough to work a hybrid schedule, with two remote days, so for me, these tasks are completed then. Still working, not relaxing at all. My self-care routine simply does not exists. My son’s father lives in Arizona, he flew us out a couple of weeks ago to see his son (he usually flies to Atlanta once a month), and to give me a change of scenery. It was the most relaxed I had been in a while. You see, when my son goes with his dad here in Atlanta, I’m not actually enjoying a “break”, I’m fighting the clock to get my house in order now that the kid is gone. Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, you name it. But in Arizona? I was able to relax, kid free. New scenery. Rooftop pool bar vibes and breweries. I even finished a book in 24 hours. I was at peace. I’ve vowed to myself that moving forward, I WILL allocate two full self care days moving forward. Kid free, relaxing. Whether that may be to finish a book in one day, a spa day, a staycation, or simply sitting on the couch binging Gossip Girl or Sex in The City. I need to remember to take time for myself and reset.
4. go back to therapy
This one’s self explanatory. I’ve been putting off returning to therapy (I haven’t been in about a year), with excuse after excuse as if I don’t have time. But the truth is, I DO have time, I am just scared to sit in my thoughts and have my therapist pick at my brain to dissect the real issue.
5. Continue to read and write
Reading is something I was passionate about as a child ( I use to get in trouble in grammar school for not putting my book down when reading circle was over). Somewhere along the road, I fell out of touch with reading (and writing), but these two truly bring me a peace like no other. While I know I may not always be able to read as much as I can now, I always want to take the time to pick up a book. I find myself reading books of self empowerment, growth, finances, and any thing to contribute to my evolving as a woman. I’ve been doing a great job at maintaining a book a month and also will plan to implement one blog a month (along with weekly journaling).
In the last decade I have graduated from college and created life. I started my career in Commercial Real Estate, moving on to Industrial. I have traveled, and made so many incredible friends, while also saying goodbye to other ones. I fell in love twice, I laughed, I partied, I smiled, I cried, I even hit rock bottom. Some of those years were some of the most challenging and formative years I have had so far in my life. But each year has taught me a lesson — the most important one being it’s okay to be alone. And with one year left, I am making a vow to myself to do that. A lot can change in a year. Imagine the new version of myself I can be if I allow myself the time to reinvent and rediscover Alix as a person outside of being a mom and a girlfriend. I plan on enjoying the last year of my twenties as much as I can and setting up my 30s to be just as great.