The Truth No One Will Tell You About Pregnancy.

Everyone talks about the beauty of pregnancy. But no one talks about the ugly— you know the depression, the insecurity, the doubts.

Pregnancy can be a beautiful thing, but without the adequate support it becomes a struggle. I mean, even with support, it’s hard. The truth about pregnancy is, it’s HARD. The emotions, the pain, the hormones, the changes in your body in such short time can be a lot for anyone.

For those of you who don’t know, I struggled with my mental health for some time. I’d say I first noticed it back in 2015 when my grandma passed, I let it go unnoticed, as I thought it was my way of grieving. I took a test with my doctor where he diagnosed me with mild depression but between my grandma’s passing and the hormones of birth control, I was certain it’d go away (wrong, depression never goes away, especially untreated) I’d have episodes where I didn’t want to be bothered, didn’t want to talk, just wanted to be alone in solitude until I figured stuff out— normal right? Everyone has their days, so why can’t I have mine. When my moments went from days, to weeks.. even months I realized it might not be so normal.

It wasn’t until last year when my mental health plummeted that I finally decided to put my pride aside and ask for help. I fought myself for what felt like years before I took the advice of my child’s father to look into therapy.

To the public eye, I was happy. Life was great. I had just hit my one year anniversary since I jump started my career in commercial real estate, I had gotten promoted, I was in a relationship and traveling. No kids, no responsibilities. What could be wrong?

The reality was I was a mess. A drunken, emotional and suicidal mess. Between my parents moving out the country overseas and an abortion, my world crashed and everything that was once glitter and gold suddenly became a thick fog.

I went from this happy, energetic, healthy and loving lady to an angry, resentful drunk. I lost everything — including my confidence, myself as a whole, a few friends, and twenty damn pounds. It all happened so fast. In just three weeks I had went from 142 pounds to 120. A blink of an eye and just like that everything.. GONE.

It took months of therapy (which btw I still go to), healing, patience, self love and care to not only restore myself and fall back in love with the idea of me as a whole, but to forgive myself for terminating my pregnancy.

As everything began to get better and look promising again, I learned that I had not fully healed that things still triggered me and I was still not okay — again the abortion was weighing on me heavy.

I found myself in a dark place, once again. I prayed and prayed. having talks with God asking for guidance, healing, love and anything to help touch my mind and body. So when I discovered I was pregnant AGAIN, I knew it was a sign. I promised myself if God ever granted me a second chance at motherhood, I would do right.

The first time I fell pregnant, I was happy, healthy and mentally stable— I just wasn’t ready. Now here i am, with yet another positive pregnancy test ( how irresponsible) mentally on a roller-coaster, happy most days but not all. You’d think this time around I’d be just as scared as the last time — but for some odd reason I was not. I was calm and excited.

I always envisioned pregnancy to be this special beautiful and magical thing— sort of like the movies. You hear and see people talk about how life changing and amazing pregnancy is, but what they failed to mention is how hard and miserable that exact same experience can be.

No one tells you about the excessive anxiety about your baby, Low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy about parenthood, the inability to experience pleasure from enjoyable activities, struggling to bond/connect with your baby in the womb, or poor response to reassurance.

No one prepared me for this— so as I experienced every last one of these feelings, I thought something was wrong with me. How was i once excited and overjoyed and now I’m fighting off my negative thoughts every five seconds? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Why wasn’t I warned?

I was prepared for the morning sickness, the possible weight gain, back pains, even the random burst of tears as my emotions uncontrollably raged. But I wasn’t prepared for pregnancy to affect my mind—at least not until after birth. Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of joy, even amid its hardships. Unfortunately for me, that has not always been the case these last five months. It has been one of the most emotionally taxing experiences of my twenty-four years of life.

For a while, I tried to fight these feelings and cover it up, I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. I mean here i am, carrying life and growing a tiny human inside of me while some women don’t get to experience it. How could I feel this way? I also feared judgement. We hype pregnancy up to be this amazing thing, what would others think if they knew i was struggling to enjoy it?

After opening up to friends, family, my therapist and taking the time to research a few things I discovered That prenatal depression is 100% normal. In fact, you’d be surprised just how many women suffer from it. According to The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), nearly 14-23% of pregnant women experience depression. When you include anxiety into that number, it is believed that up to 70% of expectant mothers experience anxiety and/or depression.

Although I have tougher days than some, I don’t love my son any less than those who don’t. I’d be lying if I said i had more good days than bad days, but the brick of emotions that hit you when you hear your baby’s heartbeat or feel them move is the reassurance in a lifetime to help you keep pushing.

If you or someone you know may be experiencing mental health issues while pregnant, please do not feel discouraged or even bad about it. Understand it is common and do not wait to reach out for help.

Always remember, in order to be the best mother you can be, you need to be the healthiest and happiest version of yourself. It’s okay to not be okay, even when carrying life.